I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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