Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
