I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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