Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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