I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
