It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
