I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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