Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
