can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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