you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
