He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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