I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
pray to the hookup gods
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
