i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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