This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
