I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
