Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
