nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
