My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
