do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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