I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
