my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
