The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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