I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
