Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
