dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
