You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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