ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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