he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
