I met the friendliest cop last night
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
