i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
