I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
