My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There r osticjed everywhere
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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