I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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