Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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