She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Also, beer. Big fan.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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