I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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