My first STD was from a foam party
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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