Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
