Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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