The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
