He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
