drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
