Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
