I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In other news, I just burned my penis
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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