I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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