I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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