I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
