What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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