I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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