Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
