Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
