lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
