I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize