I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
