So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
