so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
