so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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