why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
