Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
